


RC #133,316,666, Mission #6: Love Thy Neighbor

by SkarmorySilver



Series: Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Response Center #133,316,666 [7]
Category: Protectors of the Plot Continuum, The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Department of Mary Sues, F/M, Mary Sue, PPC Mission, Sporking - Freeform, badfic, character replacement, mini-Balrog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 07:33:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16593578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: “Take him away and keep him safe, until he feels inclined to tell the truth, even if he waits a hundred years.”— Thranduil,The Hobbit(1937)In which two horses and two vampires pay a visit to Rhovanion.





	RC #133,316,666, Mission #6: Love Thy Neighbor

**Author's Note:**

> \- **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. _My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic_ (Rayner’s home continuum) belongs to Hasbro and Lauren Faust. The _Pokémon_ franchise (Brenda’s home continuum) belongs to Nintendo and Satoshi Tajiri. _Teen Titans_ belongs to DC Comics, and the _Teen Titans_ animated series (Feratu’s home continuum) belongs to DC Entertainment, Warner Bros. Animation, Glen Murakami and Sam Register. _The Hobbit_ and the world of Middle-earth were created by J.R.R. Tolkien, and belong to Tolkien State Limited. Agent Rayner Blitzkrieg belongs to me, and is based off [Trotsworth](http://trotsworth.deviantart.com/)’s character, Rainbow Blitz. Agent Brenda was originally written by Time Jumper, and was recruited to the PPC by myself and eatpraylove. Agents Evangeline von Lilith, Salvo, and Frederick “Feratu” Robinson also belong to me.  
> The fic being sporked, “[An Iceling In Mirkwood](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11024800/1/An-Iceling-In-Mirkwood)” belongs to [Zombie-nation](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5319648/Zombie-nation), who may kindly keep it.
> 
> \- **Betas:**  
>  Edhelistar, Voyd, Alleb, and OrangeYoshi99.
> 
> \- **Rating:** T/PG-13 - For some NSFW content, including improper treatment of elven rulers and more than one nasty surprise for the agents concerned.
> 
> \- **Note:** For the upload of this mission to AO3, Rayner's and Salvo's dialogues have been modified to include the speech patterns given to them since 2017.
> 
> \- **Original Posting Date:** August 10, 2015
> 
> \- [Original Document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AjfRuQxpukZoYb5LT_orrMi0o9xUomFjPnWNWXLhM3c/edit?pli=1)  
> 

 

Cover Illustration: [ Legolas and Thranduil-Hobbits to isengard ](http://xxunicornxx.deviantart.com/art/Legolas-and-Thranduil-Hobbits-to-isengard-506658523) by [ xXUnicornXx ](http://xxunicornxx.deviantart.com/)

 

 

> “Take him away and keep him safe, until he feels inclined to tell the truth, even if he waits a hundred years.”
> 
> — Thranduil, _The Hobbit_ (1937)

 

**Pre-Mission**

 

“So then I was like, ‘Really? You think Fluttershy would say that about Rainbow Dash?’” said Rayner. “‘You _honestly_ think _anypony_ would say that about the coolest flyer in _all of buckin’ Equestria?!_ Hate to burst your bubble, pal, but your entitlement, _Your Highness_ , has rendered you so buckin’ _insensitive_ that I can tell you, _right now,_ that you make Snips and Snails look like _Twilight Sparkle_ , and you won’t even care! And the worst part? That’s actually true!’”

Salvo let out a hissing laugh as he rolled on the Generic Floor, and even E.V.L., who was sitting next to her partner on the sofa, snickered so much that she had to cover her mouth to avoid being overcome by her own fit of hysterics.

“And what was her response, exactly?” the creeper asked once he could speak coherently again, his voice having something akin to a World One Italian accent.

“Well, it basically amounted to, 'Well, the rumor Fluttershy’s been spreadin’ is _also_ true, isn’t it?’”

“Oooh, bad answer,” said E.V.L.

“Eeyup,” Rayner replied. “I took it as a personal insult, too. It was lucky Nick was there, otherwise I’d ’ve bucked her off the Cloudsdale Stadium with her wings tied!”

“What happened to her in the end?” asked Salvo. “Didja really throw her outta Cloudsdale?”

“Nick had a better idea. He gave her to the Diamond Dogs as a slave. The spoiled silly filly couldn’t stand the idea of living underground and toiling for no pay the rest of eternity. Threw an apoplectic fit and exploded, she did!”

“Should I page the Department of Redundancy Department?” asked E.V.L., grinning.

“Naw, she _literally_ exploded,” Rayner replied, struggling to keep a straight face. “Glitter was strewn for miles! I hope it didn’t end up in anybody’s sandwiches…”

“You wouldn’t have minded, I know that for a fact,” she replied, nudging his shoulder. “Has your habit of wanting to slice all the Sues in the world to deli meat been around since before… well…” She looked at the memorial to his fallen partner in the corner of the room, and the others imitated her.

Rayner laughed bitterly. “It was an acquired taste, unfortunately. It should be obvious that the details ’bout what happened back then are strictly classified, but _you_ of all people, _Glitter Girl,_ would know that I never completely recovered.”

“Rayner, the loss of your old partner’s been common knowledge among the entire HQ for _months_ now,” said Salvo, shaking his helmet-clad head. “For obvious reasons, I wasn’t aware of it until long after the fact, but I was told of it almost as soon as I asked about your career as an assassin. It was only fair, seein’ as you were the one who helped _me_ escape my homefic.”

“No, my _partner_ did, and I was the one who wanted to put you back in your home world. Or somethin’. I swear, that _witch_ has no respect for the PPC protocol…”

“They have a protocol?” E.V.L. replied with a wry smile. Rayner ignored her.

_[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!]_

Rayner looked around at the console in surprise. “Huh? Why is the [BEEP!] in italics but not boldface? And how come the thing isn’t blinkin’?”

Salvo’s square eyes narrowed. “Because it’s not your console going off, I think. Seems like it’s-a comin’ from the one next door.”

“Took them long enough to stock the place up,” said E.V.L.

“Whatever the case, I don’t think it’s our problem,” said Rayner, rubbing a finger through his multicolored hair. “Perhaps the agents in that place may be able to sort it out.”

Salvo sighed and shook his head once again. “The Ironic Overpower turns a deaf ear t’ nobody, Rayner. Besides, if these agents’ve just moved in, they’re probably still learnin’ how to handle things, and they may need someone’s help.”

“They could just call in someone from elsewhere. It’s as easy as typing up a help wanted message on the console like we did in that one AoT mission.”

“Have you delivered those manga volumes to ‘Them’ yet, by the way?” asked E.V.L.

“If you mean the Mantis Ant you told me about in the context of said mission, I’m still sortin’ things out with him and his new partner,” the creeper replied, nodding his head to adjust his diamond helmet. “Things have been busy at the DIA, though, as they usually are.”

He paused, sitting up a little straighter. “Is it just me, or are you two also hearin’ the sound of hooves outside our door?”

Rayner looked around towards the doorway, feeling more than a little worried. Was that an ypur outside? He wasn’t sure how those creatures would react to E.V.L., but he wasn’t going to take any chances.

A moment later, the hoofbeats stopped, and then the moment of silence was broken by the sound of someone knocking on the door with something rather heavy.

“You were saying something about sending help, Rayner?” said E.V.L.

Rayner glared at her, and then stood up from the sofa and walked over to the door, gesturing for the others to stay put before opening it.

Standing just outside the entrance was a horse. Not a pony, no — a full-sized _horse_. It had a cream-colored coat, shiny black hooves, cherry-red eyes… and a horn on its forehead? And dancing orange flames for a mane, tail, and fetlock tufts?

Before Rayner could process this conundrum, the horse snorted, its ears folded back, and tossed its head nervously. And then it spoke in the voice of a human girl.

“Hi there! Hope I’m not bothering you or anything! Uh, got an hour or five?”

“There’d better be a good explanation for this,” Rayner said with a Not Amused expression on his face.

“Actually, there is. Kinda. Our console went off just now and we responded to it like we’re supposed to, but we have no idea what we’re supposed to be doing. My partner did go on one previous mission, but that was a DIC one. This is the DMS, right?”

“Yes… Why?”

She nickered in what sounded like embarrassment before replying, “You don’t happen to know what a hobbit is, don’t you?”

“Are you talking about a hobbit as in the species,” said E.V.L., appearing behind her partner, “or _The Hobbit_ as in the novel by J. R. R. Tolkien?”

Rayner whipped round and made a gesture as though about to strangle her. “I thought I told you to _stay put!_ ”

“You didn’t _say_ it, though. So, who’s the horse?”

“Your guess is as good as mine! Though I have a feelin’ you’re one of the agents who’s just moved in next door, am I right?” he added, addressing the animal.

“Yes, indeed!” she whinnied. “By the way, the name’s Brenda, and I’m a Rapidash! Uh, sort of. Long story. Anyway, I’m gonna ask you again: Do you know what a hobbit is?”

“One of the races Tolkien created for his Middle-earth universe,” E.V.L. replied. “Unless you’re referring to _The Hobbit_ book, which also stars a hobbit.”

“Do you even know about Tolkien’s works?” asked Rayner. “They’re practically mandatory readin’ material for DMS agents!”

Brenda snorted and tossed her head again. “Reading isn’t one of my strong suits, but I’ve seen all three of the _Lord of the Rings_ movies. Not familiar with _The Hobbit_ , though.”

“You’re in luck,” replied E.V.L. “I know both the original _Hobbit_ book _and_ Peter Jackson’s movie trilogy. My partner and I would be happy to be of assistance. You’re welcome, Pony Boy.”

Rayner wanted to throttle his partner again, but upon seeing Brenda’s uncomfortable expression, he settled for just giving her the stink-eye.

“How long have you two been trying to kill each other?” asked Brenda.

“Ever since we first met,” said Rayner. “That’s an even longer story, I’m afraid…”

“Wait, wait!” Salvo cried, coming up behind Rayner as well. “If you say you’re not familiar with Tolkien’s works, you buds’re going to need this.”

He tossed what looked like a _Minecraft_ book item onto the floor. “ _The Hobbit_ , unabridged edition. You won’t believe how many diamonds I spent on this thing, so use it wisely.”

“Thanks, but, uh, you might wanna give that to my partner,” said Brenda. “Shame this form doesn’t come with opposable thumbs.”

“I’ll take it, thanks,” said Rayner, picking it up. “Wait, form? You have other forms besides a flamin’ pony?”

“Like I said, long story. Anyway, let’s get going!”

“I suppose I should take my leave as well,” said Salvo. “Don’t wanna shirk my major responsibility, after all. Good luck, you three!”

“Four, actually,” said Brenda. “But thanks anyway!”

Rayner and E.V.L. headed out of their RC and walked beside the Rapidash, taking care to stay well away from her back legs. “So, you two moved in just today?” asked Rayner.

“Yeah, and our timing couldn’t have been more perfect!” she whinnied. “Unless getting a mission is a _bad_ thing, of course. From what I’ve heard, it usually is.”

“You don’t say. So, who’s your partner?”

“You’ll meet him in a sec. We’re heee-eeere~!”

They’d arrived at RC #1260, the number of which looked completely inconsistent with the standard numerical order and the door of which was open. Brenda lightly stamped on the doormat a few times, and a voice bade for the group to enter. She trotted into the rather large RC, the other agents following in her wake.

The RC seemed to be even larger once you walked in, with one half looking like the inside of a barn, complete with a horse stall and trough, and the other reminiscent of an old castle, with a coffin sitting next to the table with the console. A young man with long black hair, a mask on his face, and dark clothing was sitting at said table, perusing the mission report, but upon noticing that there were three agents rather than just the one, he turned his head to look at them. Rayner noticed a black cat at his feet.

“Hey, Feratu!” called Brenda. “Finally got some help like you wanted! Happened to be right next door, too!”

Feratu facepalmed and muttered, “Don’t you usually use the console to send a help message? It’s how other agents do it.”

“See? He gets it,” said Rayner. “But we’re here now, like it or not. You must be Brenda’s partner, right?”

The masked man stood up, walked over to the others, and shook first Rayner’s hand, then E.V.L.’s. “Frederick Robinson, a.k.a. Feratu. And you two must be our neighbors, am I right?”

Rayner noticed that one of Feratu’s eyes was missing, the lens of the mask covering it looking like a white oval. The other was red — not pinkish like his own, but blood-red.

“Rayner Blitzkrieg,” he replied. “And this bag of glitter next to me is Evangeline von Lilith.”

She tossed her head up into the air before catching it on her neck. “You can call me E.V.L.,” she added.

Brenda took a few steps back, snorting in alarm. “What happened to you?!”

“She’s been through a lot,” Rayner replied sourly. “So, _The Hobbit_ , right?”

“Uh, yeah. Already asked about that, didn’t I?”

“The mission report concerns an original character showing up in Mirkwood,” said Feratu. “Something along the lines of the last of her kind, a creature of ice and snow—”

Rayner bristled almost immediately. “Sue. Definitely a Sue.”

E.V.L. was instantly on the alert. “Where are we going, and what disguises will we be using? We need to be sure that we won’t look out of place.”

“Does this continuum have horses?” asked Brenda. “I know there aren’t any Rapidash or Zebstrika in this Mirkwood place, but a World-One-style horse will do. Dunno, I just like being a horse. But, if it’s better for you, I could change into my human form…”

“Sorry, but we’ll be indoors most of the time, so yeah, I think it’d be safer to use a humanoid form,” said Rayner. “Unless you’d prefer to stay out and watch the Words all day.”

Brenda snorted again. “The Words are _boring_. I wanna see some action on this mission!”

“Humanoid it is, then,” said Feratu. “Where do we start?”

“The forest,” said Rayner, walking over to the console. “Legolas is gonna be comin’ back from a hunting trip when he finds the Sue.”

At that moment, there was a POOF of something materializing out of nowhere, and the cat yowled and bolted. It climbed up Feratu’s leg with its sharp claws and jumped into his arms, hissing in agitation.

“Oh for Pete’s sake,” he grumbled. “How many times do I have to tell you, bane`s?! My cat’s tail is off-limits!”

An imp in a Batman costume floated up to him, laughing. “Sorry, Freddie-Boy! I just can’t resist, that’s all...”

“Oooh, a cat, huh?” said Rayner. “Good luck keeping that thing under control, pal. The one Rarity owns is a buckin’ nightmare! Former CAF?”

“He’s actually quite nice, really, as long as you don’t startle him,” said Feratu, stroking the cat’s neck. “And yes, he was a CAF. He belonged to the Stu who turned me into a vampire.”

“Lucky guy,” said bane`s. “Well, as lucky as black cats tend to be, anyway!”

“So, what’s his name?” asked E.V.L.

“He used to be called Sparda, but I didn’t really like that name, and neither did he,” replied Feratu. “Until he completes his apprenticeship, his name’s Batpaw. Creative, I know.”

Rayner flashed a grin that exposed his pointed teeth. “Ah, a _Warriors_ fan? Nice!”

“Yeah, I’ve been reading up on those books for quite some time now,” said Feratu. “I’d like to get Brenda to look into them too, but she’s not the biggest fan of reading in general.”

“Yeah, reading’s for eggheads like Twilight Sparkle,” Brenda added. “Movies and TV, though… Now _that’s_ a good time. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I guess I’m going to have to change into something more comfortable, at least for you guys. Be right back!”

As she trotted into her stall, Rayner suppressed a snort with difficulty.

“She’s gonna be taking the Readin’ Rainbow route pretty soon, _ja_?” he said with a smirk, holding up the copy of _The Hobbit_ which now looked like an actual leather-bound book with the title on its cover.

Feratu set the cat down, and upon noticing the book, his eye widened. “Where did you get that?”

“Friend of mine gave it to me. Don’t ask where he got it, I dunno either.”

Brenda stepped out of her stall, now a teenage girl in what looked like Johto soccer gear. The other agents couldn’t help but notice that her hair still seemed as though it were made of fire.

“Got what?” she asked, picking up a soccer ball that had been lying on the floor.

Rayner showed the book to her as well. “Readin’ material,” he replied.

She frowned. “Thanks, but no thanks. Mission first, books later.”

“I’ll take it,” said Feratu, picking up what looked like a steel rod of some kind. “I know my slash mark hungers for glitter as much as I do, but I’m not one to go into this unprepared. I’ll need all the canon knowledge I can get for the sake of pressing charges.”

“Not to mention someone who actually has an idea of what they are doing,” E.V.L. added, earning a hostile look from her partner. “Anyway, we’ll need to go in as elves, since we’ll be staying in Mirkwood for most of the fic. Unless you want to be used as a pincushion.”

Rayner nodded. “That kinda limits our skill options, but we’ll have to make do for now. So, that’s everythin’, right?”

“Well, excuse the pun, but I’m all fired up over here,” said Brenda, pointing at her hair. “Let’s go!”

“Can’t have said it better myself,” said Rayner, opening up a portal.

Brenda pouted and replied, “Aww, I wanted to start a pun war!”

“No time for that, sorry!”

With that, the agents all filed through the portal, which closed behind them. As soon as they were gone, the mini-Bat-Mite took one look at Batpaw, turned into a dog in a Batman costume, and promptly started chasing him around the RC.

 

********************

 

**Act One**

  * Soundtrack:  [ _The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug_ \- “The Woodland Realm”](https://youtu.be/CGTZwTm1KQw)



 

The agents found themselves in what looked like a generic version of Mirkwood. Sunlight streamed through the forest canopy, and the sounds of various animals seemed to come from everywhere. Rayner hoped that there weren’t any Spiders of Unusual Size, as he liked to call them, roaming around.

Feratu looked much like he was before, but with both eyes intact, pointed ears, and continuum-appropriate clothing; his slash mark had been disguised as a four-foot-long wooden quarterstaff. Brenda had blonde hair and pointy ears as well, and was also dressed appropriately for Middle-earth, her soccer ball now looking made of leather.

E.V.L.’s elf disguise gave her long black hair and dark blue eyes, and her partner was a blond elf with gray eyes, only a bit shorter than she was.

“How soon do we start?” asked Brenda. “Not really comfy with tight spaces over here…”

“Neither am I,” said Rayner, “but the badfic can’t care less. Suck it up.”

She snorted loudly and asked, “So, how do we go about all this?”

“The Words will guide us, sort of,” said Feratu. “We’ll need to keep track of what’s happening if we’re to get enough charges.”

“Yeah, well, you do that,” said Brenda, idly spinning her ball on her fingertip. “It’s the _Sue_ I wanna see in action.”

E.V.L. gave her a wry smile. “You don’t want to see a Sue ‘in action’, if you know what I mean…”

Rayner silently gestured for the group to shut up. They heard a sound akin to horse hooves, and a moment later, the fic began, with Legolas riding through the forest towards them.

E.V.L. bristled instinctively. “No. _No._ The elves of the Woodland Realm of Northern Mirkwood do _not_ have horses, _period._ We need to send this one to a place where it would be more welcome.”

“Or we could give it to Alice’s herd,” Brenda added.

“We already have _two_ horses to deal with on this mission, and we don’t need another. I vote for putting it somewhere more consistent with the canon. Rohan, for instance.”

Rayner scowled at her, but nodded in agreement at her suggestion anyway.

A moment later, a small demonic-looking creature with horns, leathery wings, and what looked like a whip made of fire emerged from a nearby bush. It looked up at them curiously, and Brenda cooed wordlessly over its appearance. “Awww, it looks so _fiery!_ ”

She knelt down to pat the creature, but thought a little better of it due to not wearing flameproof gloves. “Who’s an adorable little Dark-type? You are! Yes you are! What are you, anyway?”

“A mini-Balrog,” said E.V.L. “Must be from the summary. I’m guessing this is **mirkwood forest**.”

“Because Mirkwood _is_ a forest,” said Rayner. “Okay, _now_ you can page the DRD or something. Shhh, hide!”

Hiding behind some random bushes, they watched as Legolas dismounted, commanded his horse to stay, and moved through the woods in search of an unseen quarry.

A moment later, both the canon and the agents **heard breathing, but not one of an animal. The unsteady breathing of a women, but not a human women.**

The air suddenly turned ten degrees cooler, and the leaves on the forest floor now seemed to be **forested with ice**. Rayner shifted uncomfortably, and not because of the temperature drop.

“Women? You mean there’s _more_ than one?” he asked, scowling.

“Apparently,” said E.V.L. “The grammar leaves a lot to be desired, the paragraph spacing especially.”

Indeed, a cold breeze blew through the trees around them, carrying a sizable number of ¶ symbols with it.

The agents silently followed Legolas, or at least tried to. Brenda was cracking twigs with each step. Legolas turned his head, wondering if he was being followed, and Rayner silently bade for the group to stop moving immediately.

Then the elf prince returned to his tracking. Rayner was the first to move, but not before telling everyone else to stay put.

When he got to the clearing where the Sue was lying, his jaw fell open. There were no less than _a dozen_ women lying in the middle of the clearing, each of them with almost colorless skin and hair shaped like a Disney Princess. They all wore simple dresses, covered in ice and snow. Legolas went to the one nearest to him and checked her pulse, before calling his horse over to take her to the **palace**.

Sparing only a moment to cringe, Rayner hurried back to the others as furtively as he could.

“How was it?” asked E.V.L.

“Not good,” he replied. “Not only did they have **Snow White hair** , but they were also expies of a certain _other_ Disney princess from an over-marketed 3D movie.”

E.V.L. dope-slapped him, and then paused. “Wait, _they_?”

“A full dozen of ’em, maybe even more,” said Rayner. “Couldn’t see exactly how many, but if we’re dealin’ with an _army_ of ‘icelings’...”

“Well, let ‘em burn, for all I care!” whispered Brenda, the mini-Balrog nodding in agreement next to her. “Won’t make a difference in the end. It’s what we do, right?”

“If only it were that easy,” said Feratu, shaking his head.

The agents followed Legolas and the Sue — with all of her clones sleep-walking after the two of them — until they arrived at the entrance to the palace. While the generic palace guards gathered around them, E.V.L. looked up at the castle, and then gasped.

“There is something very, very wrong with this picture,” she said.

“What, the army of Sues raiding the castle like the zombie apocalypse?” asked Brenda.

“No, worse. Mirkwood doesn’t even _have_ a castle in the first place.”

Brenda stared first at her, and then at the scene before them. Legolas had slid the Sue off his horse just as she’d woken up — as did all of her clones. Now, the elf prince had absolutely no idea what to do with all of them.

“I thought there _was_ an Elven palace somewhere, or was that in a different area?” she asked.

“In Rivendell, yes,” replied E.V.L. “But in Mirkwood, the elves had to hide underground to escape the spiders, and who knows what else. But surely it would be better to just build a stupid palace, _right in the middle of a monster-infested forest_ , to fulfill your selfish fantasies. Right?”

“How do you know all this?” asked Feratu, cracking open the _Hobbit_ book to check. “Aside from reading about the continuum, I mean? Did you know anyone who did something like that?”

E.V.L. looked away, trying to hide her glare of resentment and, to some extent, shame. “Yes, but that’s not important. Now shut it and pay attention to the mission.”

“No, we need to know. Do you know someone who put a castle in Mirkwood?” asked Brenda.

Rayner looked the two other agents dead in the face. “Yes, actually. And no, that someone wasn’t laura. It was her.”

“ _What?!_ ” they both whispered simultaneously.

“Look, I _toldja_  it was an even longer story than yours. I’ll explain when we get the time. For now, let’s get the horse back and raid the castle, _ja?_ ”

After portaling the horse to a stable in Rohan, the agents trailed Legolas and the Sue to the **kings chamber** ; mirkwood forest grabbed a stray apostrophe with his whip. Outside, the wind of ¶ symbols seemed to have died down for now. Inside the beautiful but strangely generic castle, **thick vines twisted and wove together** of their own accord.

“I can only imagine the look on Poison Ivy’s face if she ever got to see this,” said Feratu. “It’s almost a shame we’ll have to burn it down.”

“One of the moves I’ve picked up since getting my Rapidash powers happens to be Fire Blast, so I guess I’d be useful in that department,” said Brenda. She huffed a little smoke cloud and added, “Who’s running this place, anyway, an overgrown Tangrowth?”

“A canon’s home is his domicile, as they say,” replied Rayner, “but sadly, this is _not_ the home of the canons we’re observin’.”

By the time they found the Sue, she and her little army had entered a chamber with vines choking it from floor to ceiling. Several of them supported **a platform with steps leading up to the king's throne.** There sat Thranduil, clutching his staff in one hand as he locked eyes with the leader of the Sue squad.

“Who’s willing to bet that he’ll be falling head over stuffy Elven heels for her pretty soon?” said E.V.L.

“I thought it was usually Legolas that all the Tolkien Sues went after,” said Feratu. “At least that’s what I’ve heard, anyway.”

“Yes, but ever since the release of the new _Hobbit_ film trilogy, there’s been quite a following for Thranduil as well,” said E.V.L. “And really, who could blame him?”

“Did _you_ try to bone the guy?” asked Brenda, her tone slightly mocking. “Or were you around _before_ he apparently got picked up by the fandom? In that case, if it was Legolas you were after, I wouldn’t be surprised at all!”

“Brenda, shhh!” Feratu whispered urgently. “We’re in hiding for a _reason!_ ”

E.V.L., meanwhile, was glaring daggers at the other female. “My history as a Suvian, a Sue-wraith, a canon doppleganger, or any synonyms thereof, is _das geht dich einen feuchten Scheissdreck an._ To answer the one question of yours that _is_ relevant to this matter, however, my homefics existed prior to the release of the trilogy — and I certainly had no interest in that _scheisskopf_ of an Elven king who wouldn’t lift a finger to help a kingdom in need for fear of risking his own men! At least in the movieverse, that is — in general, he thinks that anyone aside from the Mirkwood elves isn’t worth his time.”

“Yeah, but _Legolas_ , on the other hand…” said Rayner, smirking and wiggling his eyebrows.

“Oh, shut it, _Pony Boy._ ” She checked the Words, turning her frown of disgust towards the Sue this time. “That guard calls her a bloody **ice witch**? As if witches even existed in Arda…”

At that moment, the Sue was encased in a wall of ice, and the same thing happened with all of her clones even though the guard who’d accosted her hadn’t come close to any of them. The Words then proceeded to describe, in rather excessive prose, how Thranduil remembered what this Sue was, and how she was now the last of her species.

Rayner gnashed his now flat-topped teeth as he spoke in a furious whisper. “What in Celestia’s mane?! The very idea of an **iceling** is buckin’ _ridiculous!_ As far as I know, the only Tolkien characters with control over th’ natural world are wizards like Gandalf, and even then, they don’t explicitly handle elemental stuff like this!”

“How much do _you_ know about Tolkien’s universe, exactly?” asked Feratu, who was now flipping through the book to see if there was any mention of icelings.

“The original film trilogy, all three audiobooks of the _Lord of the Rings_ , and the first two _Hobbit_ films. Haven’t seen the third one just yet, but I have plans to.”

“Yeah, but is this the movie version or the book one?” asked Brenda, scraping the generic floor with her shoe like a horse pawing the ground. “I’m guessing the movie version would allow us to get a clearer picture, seeing that we actually get to _see_ what everything looks like.”

“At this point, I’m afraid it isn’t clear,” said E.V.L. “But we may be able to gather some clues from the Author’s Notes, specific details within the fic, etcetera.”

At that point, the Sue stated that she didn’t have a name, so Thranduil decided to refer to her as **helke**. E.V.L. snorted in contempt, blowing a lock of her dark hair out of her face.

“I can tolerate if the Sue were to call herself ‘Helke’, as she’d have come up with the name herself, but _Thranduil_ deciding for her? Even worse. Even if it makes sense in Quenya, I doubt that would serve as a reasonable Elven name, let alone anything Thranduil would use as a label for a literal personification of winter.”

“As if any even existed in canon,” Feratu added. “If Tolkien _did_ by some miracle include icelings or something like that in Middle-earth somewhere, I’d need to get my _other_ eye fixed up, because _I don’t see any mention of them whatsoever!_ ”

“Not even in the expanded universe or other source material?” asked E.V.L.

Feratu looked at her, puzzled. “We were supposed to bring other source material?”

Brenda, who had caught up to what Feratu had said, blurted out, “No mention?! Gimme that!” Putting her ball away, she snatched the book from her partner and cracked it open. The mini tried to reach for it too, but her height meant it was well out of its reach.

Rayner rubbed his temple. “Let’s just get goin’. This chapter ends with the Sue being taken to a guest room, and I’d rather not spend the night dealin’ with her thoughts.”

But when Feratu stared up at the ceiling, he raised a hand. “Not so fast. I think we may have to check the guest room. There’s another character coming in.”

It was Rayner’s turn to look confused, but he accompanied the others to the guest room anyway, where a female elf was helping the Sue put on a white nightgown.

Upon finishing, she looked around and sighed in dismay. There were _at least_ a dozen more copies of her who needed to change into sleepwear.

Nonetheless, she went to work, introducing herself as **anerin** and referring to herself as an **elleth** , the term for a female elf. The males were just elves.

E.V.L.’s eyes narrowed. “The use of the _‘elleth’_ term is correct, but the male equivalent is _‘ellon’_ . Male elves are _not_ called just ‘elves’. Also, Anerin is Grelvish, and not an Elven name.”

The chapter ended with the Sue wondering why the trees in the forest were looking diseased, and then falling asleep. Pausing only to see if there were any Author’s Notes running around, and not finding any, the agents portaled to the next chapter.

“This. Is. So. _Boring,_ ” said Brenda, still poring through the _Hobbit_ book. “Even the dwarf party at this Bilbo guy’s house is more entertaining than this load of Tauros-dung!”

“Wait ‘till you see the movie version,” said Rayner, grinning, before he started to sing in a voice low enough that only the other agents could hear him. “~ _Chip the glasses and crack the plates! That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!~_ ”

Brenda quickly shut the book and hid it behind her back, looking embarrassed.

The agents waited in the hallway outside the guest room until the Sue had finished changing. Upon seeing her emerge in an ivory dress with **a sweetheart neck showing a small amount of cleavage** , the agents all looked unimpressed. The Sue briefly talked to Anerin, and then accidentally froze a glass of water, causing her to make a hasty exit.

The agents were then hit by a scene shift which took them back to the throne room. There, Thranduil addressed the Sue in an oddly welcoming manner, telling her that she wasn’t to be punished.

Rayner gave Thranduil a very concerned look, taking out his C-CAD, but before he could point it at the canon, E.V.L. snatched it from him and did that instead.

 _[Thranduil. The Elven King of Mirkwood. Tolkienverse canon,_ The Hobbit _: supporting character. Out of Character 73.45%. WARNING: CHARACTER RUPTURE IMMINENT!]_

Ignoring the angry glare of her partner, E.V.L. quietly cursed in German and blew the smoke from the device. “I should have _known_ . Thranduil would _never_ treat a foreigner this warmly, especially a last remaining member of a species which doesn't even exist in canon.”

“I thought you didn’t really care for the safety of the canon? ” asked Feratu.

“That was before I learned that characters have feelings too,” she replied with a very cross look. “I just choose to ignore them.”

Rayner facepalmed. “Stuck with two newbies and a glittery witch with _Scheissdreck_ for brains,” he snarled. “Just my luck that a Sue, her clone horde, and a wildly OOC canon weren’t enough.”

E.V.L. cuffed the back of his head, but said nothing.

“I went on one mission prior to this one,” said Feratu. “Didn’t Brenda already tell you that?”

“We may have to skip some of the badfic to save time,” said E.V.L., checking the Words. “The rest of this chapter is simply the Sue getting used to the uncanonical palace and such, and discovering a little ritual known as **skazi**.”

“Wait a sec, what’s skazi?” asked Brenda, idly opening the book again. “They don’t mention _anything_ of the sort…”

“Which chapter are you on?”

The shorter girl let out a startled yelp and hid the book behind her back again. “N-nothing!”

“Have you reached the part with the elves yet?” asked Feratu, suddenly realizing what his partner was doing. “If so, please let me know if the skazi is mentioned.”

“Newsflash, guys: it _a_ _in’t!_ ” Rayner growled. “And I don’t even wanna know what the fic says it’s about, thanks. Now, let’s get a move on! We may be able to pick up some more interestin’ charges come next chapter.”

There was no argument to that. The agents opened a portal into Chapter Three and stood in silence as the fic resumed.

This chapter was a continuation of the Sue’s adventure, during which Anerin talked to her again. She found out that the Sue was upset about what had happened, and tried to console her, stating that many men had fought for her race.

“Like there was a race of icelin’s to begin with,” Rayner snorted.

“But this… ‘skazi’ ceremony,” said E.V.L., referring to the uncanon word in audible disgust, “is referred to as **ghastly** by Anerin. That isn’t a good sign.”

“I thought you’d like that sort of thing,” said Brenda.

“ _Enough,_ ” E.V.L. murmured. “I have never heard of it, it’s apparently exclusive to this fic, and I am not here to partake in scenes of drawn-out suffering. This Sue deserves a quick death, painful or otherwise.”

“My thoughts exactly,” said Rayner. “Though it’ll probably have to be someone else who does it and not me. If I were the one involved, it wouldn’t be pretty.”

“What did you do the last time you killed a Sue?” asked Feratu.

“One time, when I got a _Hunger Games_ mission at three in the morning, I found an uncanonical evil president who’d mucked up the timeline since the first book. I cut off his head, and my partner had to tranquilize me to keep me from swan-divin’ into the body.”

“He has a problem with blood,” said E.V.L., grinning. “The smell of it drives him into a berserk frenzy. I found that out the hard way, both when we first encountered each other and when he took apart a dummy Sue on our first outing together.”

Rayner tugged at a lock of her hair, but she continued smiling.

“What continuum are you from, anyway?” asked Feratu. “If you’re a non-vegetarian _Twilight_ vampire, I suppose that would explain the bloodlust…”

“I would sooner cut off my own privates than have sparkly skin, don’t worry,” replied Rayner. “And I ain’t a vampire at all — I’m a humanized, genderbent version of a character from _My Little Pony._ ”

Brenda let out a laugh that sounded like a horse nicker. “No wonder your partner called you Pony Boy! Why the blood thing, though?”

“It didn’t really flare up until after one very horrible day at work,” Rayner said with a grim smile. “But it was a thing in my homefic, which was thankfully a semi-fic blip. Put it this way: The Legendary MLP badfic known as _Cupcakes_ is bad enough on its own. But _Cupcakes_ remade as a Bad Slash fic? Even in theory? Worse. _So much worse._ ”

Feratu and Brenda decided to immediately drop the conversation.

Throughout all this, the Sue had eavesdropped on an argument between Legolas and Thranduil, found out that the elf king’s wife had died during an orc attack, and was invited by the canon to his bed for the night (“Charge for making elves polygamous,” said E.V.L.).

The chapter ended at that point, prompting the agents and the mini to move on to the next one. By the time they arrived, emerging outside the palace, the word **Done** could be heard echoing in the night sky overhead.

“Legolas’ mother was never mentioned in canon,” said E.V.L. “The Elves had no queen at the time of _The Hobbit_ . It could be possible that she was killed by orcs, but that was never explored, even in the expanded universe. Thranduil is a single father, through and through — and I _highly_ doubt he was this bloody sentimental.”

“Replacement?” asked Brenda. “Totally calling it, replacement.”

“How did you figure that out so quickly?” asked Rayner.

“Well, think about it! You said the elves don’t like foreigners, and yet Thranduil is treating this stupid Sue like some house guest of honor or something! If I were in his shoes, I’d throw her out then and there! Or send my troops after her while she climbs into an empty wine barrel and escapes down a river, either way…”

“You’ve reached that part already?” said E.V.L. “Is there something you’re trying to hide from us? Because we can all see it clear as day.”

“I… uh…”

But before she could respond, they heard a noise coming from a **large, wooden brown hut** , which had somehow sprouted up fully-formed from the forest floor. Inside, the Sue encountered a large animal — not a horse, but…

“Thranduil on a moose!” Rayner whispered. “It’s… a _moose_.”

“An _elk_ , actually,” said E.V.L. “Which puts us firmly in the movieverse. The elk does not appear in the book.”

“We’ll have to return him back to where it belongs,” said Feratu. “I’m leaving that up to you guys.”

“Him?” asked Rayner. “They never talked about the elk specifically in the movies.”

“If it’s got antlers, it’s a guy elk,” said Brenda. “Unless it’s a Sawsbuck or a Stantler, but whatever.”

“Then why is it referred to as a **she** ?” asked E.V.L. “And why is Thranduil saying that **She is to have a calf in a few days**?”

Everyone stared at her, then up at the Words. All of them cringed in disgust and horror.

“Well, so much for puttin’ him back,” said Rayner. “We’ve gotta get him to someone who knows veterinary medicine!”

“I’m sure Medical would be able to handle something like this,” said E.V.L. “But still… There is _no way_ such an occurrence would be possible.”

“So, how do you get a male elk pregnant?” asked Feratu.

“The same way I tried to get Link pregnant in the LoZ bad slash fic I once starred in,” E.V.L. replied with a grim look. “Just stick it in and enjoy the show.”

“But how?” asked Brenda. “You’re a _girl_!”

Rayner turned slightly pale. “I’ve seen visions of _ja_  in my thoughts, dreams, visions maybe... So you’re telling me, uh, us... that you _weren’t_ , in fact, wearing a strapon?”

She tossed her hair and glared at him. “Unfortunately, yes,” she said. “I once possessed a male canon, and suffice it to say that it left a lasting impression. This is between us and us alone, so let us _never_ speak of it _again_.”

Feratu and Brenda took the hint, but they couldn’t help but glance uncomfortably between their female mentor’s legs.

The rest of the chapter passed by uneventfully, with Thranduil walking the Sue back to the palace. The agents agreed to move on, and portaled to the next chapter, which started with the Sue waking up the next morning. She immediately noticed a beautiful ice blue dress in the corner of the room.

“Okay, you know how I compared the Sue to Elsa a while ago?” said Rayner. “This only hammers it home. And it doesn’t even look beautiful at all! Just… generic.”

“What I’d give to see that thing burn,” said Brenda. “Blue is _so_ not in season at this time of year.”

Feratu took the book back from his partner and flipped through it again. “The fashion of Tolkien’s elves is not described in depth,” he said after a moment of perusal. “But he did describe them as wearing green, brown, and sometimes gold and white. I bet the blue dress is specifically designed for the Sue.”

“Way t’ state the obvious, bucko,” said Rayner, before checking the Words. “This chapter is just the Sue grabbin’ breakfast and such, and not much happens aside from what we’ve already seen. Perhaps we can snag something for ourselves before moving on. Anyone up for lembas?”

“Thanks, but no thanks,” said Feratu. “I think some glitter will do just fine.”

Rayner and E.V.L. both stared at him.

“Oh, I thought you already knew!” Feratu added hastily. “I got turned into a vampire in my homefic. I should’ve told you sooner, sorry.”

“This day just keeps throwing surprises at us, doesn’t it?” said E.V.L.

Rayner was about to reply to that when he noticed Brenda reaching for the book yet again. He cleared his throat to get her attention, which worked spectacularly.

As soon as Brenda saw the expressions of the other agents, she looked away, her face bowed.

“Something seems to be bothering you too, Brenda,” said E.V.L.

“Whaa?! It’s nothing! I’m totally fine, I swear!”

“If you’re really having strange feelings, please tell us,” added Feratu. “We won’t bite.”

“It’s just… I just…” Brenda struggled to figure out what to say. After a few moments of stammering incoherently, however, she decided to cut to the chase. “I love _The Hobbit!_ I love reading!”

She looked at the other agents, her eyes wide in horrified realization. “…I’m an _egghead._ ”

“Dun dun _dunnnnn,_ ” said Rayner. A random hawk screeched overhead.

 

********************

 

**Act Two**

  * Soundtrack: [_The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug_ \- “Beyond The Forest”](https://youtu.be/G4MaU8NDmlE)



 

The agents took as little time as possible to snatch up some food, which was only a bit more specific than Generic Food due to the fic describing it as **fruits, breads and other assortments** . They portaled their way to Chapter Six, hiding in the hallway outside the Sue’s room once again. Rayner raised an eyebrow when he found out that the title of the chapter was **the ball**.

“There’s a ball? Again?” he asked to nobody in particular, munching on what looked like an apple.

“I believe that such was mentioned somewhere in a section we missed,” said E.V.L. “Sometimes we skip material to save time, but this can cost us certain details if we aren’t careful,” she explained to Feratu and Brenda.

“Aww, who cares about formal balls?” asked Brenda, before taking a bite from a loaf of bread. “I’m more fond of soccer balls myself.”

“Does every Suvian Elsa ripoff have to get involved in some kind of dance?” asked Rayner. “That’s what happened last time we took on an Elsa expy, too.”

“At this rate, I’d be more surprised if there wasn’t any,” said Feratu. “My last training mission had a prom, but that was a crossover between _The Incredibles_ and _Batman_ . At least _that_ one was pretty eventful.”

“I’ll say. Oh, look, she’s losin’ control of her powers. Again. Can’t this story ever maintain consistency with how well she can manage the Speshul stuff she’s capable of?”

“Five bucks says she makes an ass of herself at the ball,” said Brenda.

“No need for bets, Egghead,” replied E.V.L. “If it can go wrong, it will. That’s what the Ironic Overpower does, right?”

Brenda directed a kick at her shin. “Really now, _Pickle Pants_?”

“Don’t mind her, Brenda,” said Rayner. “She comes up with insultin’ nicknames for everybody. Including me!”

E.V.L. huffed, choosing to ignore Brenda’s snide remark, and led the way as they followed the Sue to the ballroom. The ball itself was, surprisingly, not really notable in any way - although the Sue and all of her clones did crowd around an _ellon_ who found out that she couldn’t speak **Elvish** (“Then how was she communicating, with _telepathy?_ ” asked Rayner). He introduced himself as **Lord Elrond**.

“Oh sweet Legendaries, not _him_ too,” said Brenda.

“Suefluencing Elrond? Does this walking popsicle realize that this is exactly what pretty much every single bloody Tenth Walker does in _Lord of the Rings_ badfic?” said E.V.L. “It seems that the only reason she isn’t one of those is because she isn’t from the time of the Fellowship.”

“I wonder if _the_ assassins ever had to deal with _The Hobbit_ badfic,” said Feratu.

“Jay and Acacia retired _before_ the release of the _Hobbit_ film trilogy and the badfic explosion to follow,” said Rayner. “Though I’m pretty sure badfic of the book itself was around even durin’ their time.”

“Point taken.”

The agents skipped past the Sue and Elrond meeting Thranduil’s elk again, and stopped fast-forwarding when Thranduil himself arrived. As they watched, **he slipped off his rich, silver silk coat and wrapped it around the iceling's small shoulders.** Upon seeing that she had been crying (no doubt due to her powers going off _again_ ), Thranduil told her to return to his chamber.

Rayner took the C-CAD back from his partner, gave her a “oh no, not _this_ time” look, and pointed it at Thranduil:

 _[Thranduil. The Elven King of Mirkwood. Tolkienverse canon,_ The Hobbit _: supporting character. Out of Character 100%. Character ReplacFATAL SYSTEM ERROR: OH DEAR ERU MAKE IT STOOOOOP]_  

The disguised pegasus gijinka had to suppress a yell of pain as the device began glowing with sudden heat, letting out sparks as well as thick black smoke. Sprinting for the door, he raced out into the woods and hurled the C-CAD off into the distance. A moment later, there was the sound of a distant explosion, which made the Sue and her clone army, Elrond, Not!Thranduil, and the rest of the party guests look around in surprise. There was a flash of blue light, and after a moment of awkward silence, the narrative resumed.

The other three agents remained hidden in their original spot, completely silent for a few moments. What if someone noticed where they were hiding? But thankfully, the ball returned to its usual, uneventful state.

“Well, this _blows,_ ” Brenda whispered in fury, taking out her ball and dribbling it on the floor. “I would’ve loved to see if I could get this baby to ricochet off everybody’s heads.”

“To say that it blows is to disregard the fact that oral sex involves a lot more dignity,” said E.V.L. “And yes, unfortunately, I speak from experience.”

“That settles it. I’m calling you Pickle Pants from now on. And nobody will be the wiser unless they take a peek.” She winked at her.

E.V.L. glared back, but then she flipped her hair and turned away from her, fuming.

“At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if the oral thing comes up between Helke and Not!Thranduil a few chapters from now,” said Feratu. At the girls’ Not Amused looks, he hastily added, “By which I mean kissing, and not something more… explicit.”

“I hope to the Legendaries that it doesn’t _get_ more explicit,” said Brenda, knocking twice on a particularly large vine nearby.

Another scene shift threw them off their feet a moment later. They ended up sprawled in the middle of some kind of generic landscape, and when they picked themselves up, they realized that there were three people nearby, and that the sky above them was red as blood, with several  ¶ symbols blowing in the breeze. They promptly took cover behind some nearby trees.

Feratu’s eyes glazed over almost longingly at the color of the sky, but then he gasped in surprise. “Oh, dear…”

“Sparkly, what do your elf eyes see?” asked E.V.L., smirking. “Are they taking the hobbits to Isengard?”

Brenda sniggered in a horse-like manner.

“Not a hobbit in sight, sorry to say,” Feratu responded, aiming a stern glance at E.V.L., “but there seem to be three dwarves discussing the iceling in Mirkwood, **clustered together in the red of night.** ”

The agents all fell silent. **There was silence before** the dwarves **all said "skazi"...**

A chapter shift, more powerful than a scene shift, promptly took the agents back to the Mirkwood palace. They all ended up on top of each other, E.V.L. on the bottom.

“See? I heard it again,” said Brenda, who had landed at the top of the pile and was the first to get up. “That uncanon word. If only I could just be _sure_ that it doesn’t exist, but I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of you…”

“What’s the harm in reading?” asked Feratu, being the second one to stand. “In fact, canon knowledge is pretty much necessary for assassinations and such.”

Brenda blushed, looking away. “Yeah, well… I’m kinda the sports girl around here, and you’re the cool teen hero or something…”

“I’m twenty. And yes, I know that I’d have been Nightwing at this age, but my badfic couldn’t care less.”

“Yeah, but still! You’re the guy who does all the leading around here, so isn’t the canon stuff your responsibility while I do the heavy-duty work? Like burning an uncanonical palace?”

“Brenda, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to read. Heck, I can even defer handling the canon knowledge to you, if you’re up for skimming through the rest of the book. This next chapter’s pretty uneventful, anyway.” He handed the book to her, causing her eyes to widen in ecstatic surprise.

“Really? You’re —”

“I won’t judge, don’t worry. As long as we know what we’re up against in terms of crimes against the canon.”

E.V.L., who had been the last to get up, scowled up at the Words, which were describing how the Sue and Not!Thranduil were now waking up in the same bed, with all of the Sue’s clones gathered around them like some kind of weird harem.

“This Sue has already committed nearly enough of these crimes to go around,” she growled. “Plus one more: sleeping with Thranduil.”

Brenda nearly dropped the book. “She’s _what?!_ ”

“Technically, he’s a replacement, but the charge still stands. Oh, and be careful with that. Salvo paid good money for it, and he wouldn’t want to see it damaged.”

Brenda immediately caught onto what she’d said, and hastily stowed the book away. “I’ll save my reading for when it’s safer,” she said. “Not that we’re in serious trouble just yet, but you never know. Besides, the badfic’s pretty much dropped a load of manure all over the face of the canon by now, so…”

“It did that in the first chapter, and it’s been doing that continuously ever since,” said E.V.L. “It should’ve been obvious by now to you two, but seeing as you’ve apparently got a higher chance of being killed by the Balrog on your first day than most newbies, I suppose I should’ve expected that you’d not notice.”

“Yeah, well, I — _Hey!_ ”

Before she could continue arguing, however, a portal opened up, and Rayner stepped through, the palm of his right hand swathed in bandages.

“What’d I miss?” he asked, smiling meekly.

“Apart from Twu Wuv between the Sue and Not!Thranduil along with a couple of dwarves wanting to pull off some of that bloody ‘skazi’ _Scheiss_ , not much, actually,” said E.V.L.

“She was bound to sleep with the guy, what didja expect?” Rayner grumbled, before checking the Words. “This chapter is just the Sue bein’ trained by Legolas to control her power, and Thranduil talkin’ to her again. The next chapter should be more interestin’, though.”

“Where were you, anyway?” asked Feratu.

“Medical. Because really, how couldja hold white-hot plastic and _not_ get your fingers deep-fried?”

“We’ll need to replace our C-CAD after this,” said E.V.L. “You know that, right?”

“Yeah, duh! At least we know that Thranduil’s been replaced now. Let’s just go, before we waste any more time observin’ the Sue’s training.”

The agents portaled to the next chapter, ducking just as another **Done** whizzed over their heads. The dwarves were now heading off to Mirkwood, hoping that Thranduil would offer a price for the Sue.

“Why would he sell her?” asked Brenda. “He’s not gonna part with his Twu Wuv for as long as he lives, isn’t he?”

“My thoughts exactly,” said Rayner.

Another scene shift sent them hurtling back into the palace. This time, they ended up in the kitchen, and specifically in the middle of a large pile of food in the pantry. Elsewhere, Not!Thranduil was teaching the Sue how to cut vegetables for cooking, and was too busy to notice their entrance (“Charge; it’s the _ellon_ who cook,” said E.V.L.).

One of the she-elves — sorry, _elleth_ — who worked in the kitchen, presumably the one who had served the Sue earlier, peeked into the pantry and gasped. Four elves covered in fruit pulp were bound to be noticed.

“Who are you?” she asked.

“Uh, cleanup on aisle seven?” Brenda said nervously.

Rayner took out his neuralyzer and pointed it at the _elleth_ , signaling for the agents to close their eyes. FLASH!

“We were never here, you’re one of the elves of Mirkwood, you live underground and not in some stupid castle, and you’ve never met any icelings or anybody named Helke. Have a nice life, _ja?_ ”

He opened a portal into the canon elf kingdom and ushered her through. Closing it behind her, he then went to help the others out of the pantry.

“Thank heavens for your quick thinking,” said Feratu. “That could’ve been a disaster.”

“It _is_ a disaster,” said E.V.L. “For your information, _Freddie-Boy_ , the entire canon has been basically completely uprooted.”

“Didja _honestly_ think we couldn’t see that?” growled Rayner.

“Yes.”

Rayner said something in German which made E.V.L. stomp on his foot, causing him to hop around with a grimace of pain.

At that moment, the Sue asked for some meat, at which Not!Thranduil offered her some rabbit. Rayner set his foot down gingerly and gritted his teeth.

“Do the elves of Mirkwood eat meat?” he asked to nobody. “If not, I call dibs on that stuff.”

Brenda had taken out the book again. “Actually, there is mention of elves eating meat in the _Hobbit_ book,” she said. “Bilbo and the dwarves smell roasting meat coming from the elf feast in Mirkwood.”

“Whatever the case, I think the Sue’s appetite may be a bigger problem than that of the elves,” said E.V.L. “The Sue decides to give raw meat a try later in this chapter.”

Beat. “That does it, we’re skipping,” said Rayner. “Unless you want to see me shreddin’ her to chilly urple confetti.”

“Fair enough,” said Brenda, shutting the book again. “I’ve lost my appetite anyway.”

“You seem to be a lot more open about wantin’ to read that book now. You talked with the others about it?”

“They seemed fine with it. Canon knowledge and all that.”

E.V.L. smirked at her and let out a cough that sounded a lot like, “Egghead.”

Brenda gave her an angry glare, but before she could react, Rayner had taken the RA, opened a portal, and pushed her through. The others followed into Chapter 9, specifically the next scene with the Sue.

Thranduil woke up in the middle of the night, headed over to the stable, and found Helke sleeping with the elk from earlier and her/his/its calf (“Thank heavens he’s finally given birth,” Rayner muttered). He woke her up, but although he felt tired, she didn’t, so she went and fetched some parchment before drawing a sketch of him.

“Wow, Rayner was right about a total lack of consistency,” said Brenda. “Wasn’t she sleeping when Not!Thranduil found her?”

“People can feel refreshed immediately after wakin’ up,” said Rayner. “It really depends on the person. Showing that she’s good at drawing, likewise, though doing that specifically to enhance the relationship with the replacement… I dunno. Perhaps a charge could be reserved for that, maybe?”

“Let’s just get to the next morning, before I fall asleep myself.”

“Bored?”

“Yep. Waiting on some serious action right here!”

“Don’t worry, Brenda,” said Feratu. “The title of the chapter suggests that there’s going to be a kidnapping. Can you take us to when that happens, Rayner?”

He nodded, opening a portal. They returned to the darkness of **mirkwood forest** , at which the mini-Balrog perked up. The Sue was riding the elk from earlier, and no sooner had the agents arrived when voices were heard in the bushes, and the three oddly generic dwarves from earlier stepped out.

Panicking, the Sue tried to flee **as ice began to cascade out from her**. Somehow. The agents looked at her with totally confused expressions.

“Seriously, how does someone break apart like some kind of living glacier?” asked Feratu.

“Badfics can do _anythin’_ , sad to say,” said Rayner.

The fight was actually fairly fast-paced, with the Sue impaling one of the dwarves through the leg with an icicle, before they bound her in chains that **melted the ice crystals in their blood, but not enough to kill them**. The agents all facepalmed, the mini-Balrog following suit.

“For the love of Lugia’s tail spikes, she’s _made of ice!_ ” Brenda snorted, pawing the ground with her shoe again. “If you melt the ice in her body, wouldn’t that be instantly fatal?!”

“I rest my case regardin’ my earlier statement,” said Rayner. “Let’s keep movin’ before we get noticed! And please, Brenda, talk a little quieter. Unless you want her to hear us.”

She glared at him, but didn’t argue. They tailed after the Sue well into Chapter 10, during which the generic dwarves finally gained additional characteristic. One was **black bearded** , another **ginger bearded** , and the third who began tugging at her **Snow White locks** was **white bearded**.

There was a noise like a whole bunch of people moving through the forest nearby, and the agents looked around, their eyes wide. Unbeknownst to the dwarves, who were preoccupied with the one iceling, a whole army of iceling clones was blindly following them.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about all those copies,” said E.V.L. “Now, how to get rid of them all?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea, to be quite honest,” said Feratu. “Burning them seems obvious, but we don’t want to torch the rest of the forest with them. And they don’t seem entirely helpless in battle, either.”

“They have a herd mentality, if you look at ’em closely,” said Rayner. “Where the main Sue goes, they follow. Just lead ’em to somewhere deadly and grab some popcorn.”

“Good idea, actually! I’ll remember that for when we —”

The agents were jolted by another scene shift that took them back to the castle yet again. Rayner ended up on the bottom of the pile this time, to his understandable discomfort.

Legolas was now reporting to Not!Thranduil that there was no sign of the Sue, and that she may have been taken away from Mirkwood. The two of them began arguing about the decision whether to search the forest a while longer or move out of Mirkwood to track her down.

“Do you wanna skip to the next time the Sue shows up?” asked Rayner. “Or do you wanna keep an eye out for Not!Thranduil for a little while longer? There’s a flashback to how his wife died, if you wanna…”

The other agents looked among each other, and then shook their heads. “The Sue is more important,” said E.V.L. “We can deal with the replacement when the time comes. We’ve already seen enough of him.”

They portaled to the last part of the chapter, which took them to **a field of tall grass with the occasional tree scattered around.** As they hid behind the nearest tree, the Sue was chained to another tree a little further away by one of the dwarves, and left there while they **cooked sausages and joked.**

“Since when were dwarves this, uh, nasty?” whispered Brenda. “The ones who went after Smaug’s treasure were actually pretty nice, from what I read…”

E.V.L. let out the “egghead” cough again.

“Shut _up_ , you piece of Tauros-dung!” She glared at her, the mini-Balrog imitating her. “Anyway, I can understand that the dwarves would be greedy and such, but kidnapping a person of interest?”

“True, they don’t normally do that,” said E.V.L. “These are just generics, however. We may be able to neuralyze them and send them back to their own kingdom…”

“Where would they go, though? If we’re going by the fact that this takes place before or even during _The Hobbit_ , there’s a _great big freaking Dragon-type_ in their basement!”

“Brenda, shhh!” said Feratu, pointing at the Sue. She was looking in the direction of the tree they were hiding behind.

The agents remained silent for a few moments. Then a breeze with several ¶ symbols and a leaf blew through the area, distracting the Sue. A pair of strange rubbery appendages seemed to emerge from her shoulders to catch it.

“That was _way_ too close,” said Feratu. “If you two really want to argue, you should do it more quietly so the Sue won’t notice.”

“Yeah, what he said. Oh, and for those of you just tunin’ in, she caught that leaf in her **bounce hands** ,” said Rayner, checking the Words. “Autocorrect: the bane of writers on mobile.”

“Oh, dear, she’s crying now,” said E.V.L., shaking her head. “What did those dwarves tell her?”

“That Thranduil can’t be trusted?” Rayner suggested. “That’s what they _would_ do at this point in Middle-earth history.”

“Yeah, you know how they treated Bilbo’s dwarves,” said Brenda. “Then again, judging from the part just before the barrel riding scene, they weren’t nice to _anyone_ unless they had a crush.”

“Wow, you’re goin’ through that quite fast,” said Rayner.

“Yeah, like a fire through paper!”

The breeze of ¶ symbols died down, and the chapter ended with the Sue going to sleep, **knowing tomorrow would be agonising.**

“Nice to see ya finally showin’ some proper enthusiasm,” Rayner said after a moment of silence, holding up the RA. “Knowing this fic, we’re gonna need it.”

 

********************

 

**Act Three**

  * Soundtrack: [_The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug_ \- “The Forest River”](https://youtu.be/q9UF3jORCTU)



 

One portal later, the agents and the mini found themselves in the middle of another forest. Hiding behind some more bushes, they watched as the dwarves led the Sue through for her own safety — not because they suddenly liked her, but because they didn’t want her dying before the skazi.

“But does that mean they want her to die _during_ the skazi?” said E.V.L.

“I don’t even wanna know,” said Rayner. “Where are we, anyway?”

E.V.L. checked the chapter title. “Lothlórien, apparently.”

“Hang on, weren’t there supposed to be mountains between Lothlórien and Anduin?” asked Brenda. “And if so, then _why did we not see them?_ ”

E.V.L. snatched the _Hobbit_ book from Brenda, bopped her over the head with it lightly, and handed it back to her.

“What was that for?!” Brenda whispered angrily.

“If you were referring to the Misty Mountains, then there weren’t any to speak of in the Sue’s path,” the elder female explained. “Mirkwood is east of the river Anduin, but the Misty Mountains are to the _west_ of it. Lothlórien is west of the Anduin and east of the Misty Mountains — so the real question is, what happened to the _river?_ ”

“…Oh. Well. Guess that’s what happens when you only know the movieverse and flunk geography class. I know I did…”

“I’m not so concerned about that,” said Feratu. “What worries me more is that the Sue and her captors managed to travel all the way from Mirkwood to Lothlórien, in the course of a day. Though the distinct lack of a river may also be a big problem, come to think of it.”

“Very observant!” said Rayner. “And of course, that’s a charge.”

“Inconsistent geography has always plagued Tolkien badfic,” E.V.L. mused aloud. “That may be due to Suethors not actually reading the maps and geography of Middle-earth before writing. Several instances have placed locations in proximity which would be _miles_ apart in reality — though that would make for a pretty ironic Sue death, strapping her to trees from different locations and letting the canon reassert itself.”

“That’s not a luxury we can afford right now,” said Rayner. “Look.”

The Sue, her captors, and all of her clones, who were _still_ following her, were now surrounded by a group of Lothlórien elves. These were led by Haldir, who promptly had the dwarves taken to prison. Exhausted, the Sue collapsed in a faint, and would not be revived even after Haldir had some water poured on her face.

The agents looked at her apprehensively. “Is she dead?” asked Brenda. “Please tell me she isn’t dead…”

“She’ll wake up soon enough,” said Rayner. “We’ve still got nine chapters to go. Though if you wanna cut it off sooner, just let us know. We won’t stop you.”

“If this drags on any longer, I’m gonna start burning stuff like, well, a Dragon-type. So yeah, we’ll let you know.”

Haldir promptly decided that the Sue would be taken to Lady Galadriel, at which the agents all exchanged uncomfortable glances. E.V.L. twitched, trying and failing to hide her sheer disgust.

“Why is it that _every_ Tolkien Sue has to be involved with Galadriel?” she fumed. “Not in _that_ way, no, but they always seem to be chosen by her for some reason.”

“Like you were?” asked Rayner.

E.V.L.’s eyes narrowed at him, and she began laying on a string of German insults in an angry whisper. When she was done, she muttered, “And for the record, _Pony Boy,_ I was a _replacement_ back then, not a straight-up _Sue._ There’s a difference.”

“Hey, I was just asking. Still doesn’t change the fact that she took a liking to you nonetheless. Ain’t that right, _Not!Arwen?_ ”

“Wait, you were a replacement?” said Feratu, looking at E.V.L. with a bemused expression. “You don’t _look_ like a canon from either this continuum, or any other continuum. What _are_ you?”

E.V.L. flipped her hair. “I was a Sue-wraith, actually. Specifically one which impersonated multiple canons to instill false love and feed on the strength of powerful canons. That is, until a certain _horse’s rear_ walked in on me just when I had a certain Harry Potter under my spell…”

“ _Ficubus incognito,_ ” Rayner added. “The badfic nightmare with a false identity. A rare sight nowadays, but still deadly.”

“So, if she’s a Sue-wraith, then why is she even here?” said Brenda. “Those things tend to vaporize after being exorcised, right?”

“She was powerful, and I was an idiot,” said Rayner. “I accidentally chucked her straight into the Sunflower’s Office. As punishment, I now have to deal with her every single day. Sure, she’s been completely de-glittered, and she’s been growin’ into her own character, but that doesn’t change the fact that we met on bad terms, and we’re _still_ on bad terms.”

“Must you take the opportunity to explain things before I do?” said E.V.L., nudging his shoulder. “I would’ve spun a more elaborate hymn on how the PPC attempted to bring down an innocent Sue-wraith, but was forced to take her prisoner when she put up a fight.”

Rayner facepalmed. “You’re literally the worst, Glitter Girl.”

“Why, thank you. Now, can we get a move on? This chapter is almost over, and all that’s left is Thranduil getting the news about Helke’s safety.”

“Right. Who’s willin’ to bet he’s gonna head over to see her?”

Everybody raised their hands. Rayner chuckled, opened a portal, and led the way into Chapter Twelve.

Once Not!Thranduil had arrived in Lothlórien, riding on his elk as usual, he demanded to see Galadriel, and during their meeting, Rayner paged the DRD twice, first for “ **she said cooly, staring levelheadedly at him** ”, and “ **as she stepped down the steps** ”.

The replacement then went to see the Sue, and had a bit of a standoff with Galadriel while they talked about her.

“The Sue is gonna be taken home,” said Rayner. “Do you guys wanna go to the next chapter to see her interact with Legolas for a bit?”

E.V.L. bristled at that last part. “If this turns into another Legomance, I’ll make her step on some LEGOs,” she growled. “Legolas is _mine_ , and mine _alone._ ”

“Wait, waaaait,” said Brenda. “Did you say what I _thought_ you just said? That Legolas is one of your LOs?”

“I didn’t say that _specifically_ , but yes.”

“Does that mean that when you invaded Middle-earth, you tried to set up an Arwen/Legolas romance?!”

“Why do you ask me that?”

“Because Arwen has only _one_ love, and that’s _Aragorn!_ Legolas never ended up with _anybody_ in canon, and no amount of LotR badfic can say otherwise!”

“Thank you, _Egghead_ , for reminding me what I already know. Now shut up and follow my lead.”

“ _Will you stop calling me Egghead?!_ ”

This angry shout made both the replacement and Galadriel look around to see the agents. Rayner’s heart skipped a few beats, and he whipped out the neuralyzer. _FLASH!_

“You didn’t see anythin’, especially not two _elleth_ arguin’ about Legolas and Arwen,” he said. “And _you_ , Not!Thranduil… _I’ll deal with you later._ ”

The replacement blinked in surprise at this, but a moment later, the agents had left the scene, and any mention of them was quickly forgotten.

“Rule Number One: Do _not_ let the canons, or Celestia forbid the _Sue_ , find out about your presence,” Rayner snarled as they entered Chapter Thirteen.

“Sorry,” said Brenda. “It’s just… I _really_ don’t like it when people call me names just because of my interests! It’s rude, its intrusive, it’s insensitive…”

“It’s fun,” E.V.L. replied, grinning. “I like irritating other people just to see how they react. Agents are the kind to judge, so let them be judged in turn.”

“That’s _not_ how it works around here, you glittery ignoramus!” Rayner spat in a furious whisper, rounding on her. “These are _newbies_ here, so you _have_ to show ’em some _respect!_ ”

She blew a lock of hair out of her face and scowled at him. “Must you always be like this while on Duty?”

“I _have_ to! Otherwise your arrogance and lack of respect is gonna be the end of us, especially in such a dangerous environment as a badfic. For Celestia’s sake, I lost a good friend before meetin’ you, and he was the nicest guy I ever had the fortune to meet! Don’t ask,” he added, noting Feratu and Brenda’s upset expressions.

“I apologize if I ask anyway: Did you have a previous partner?” asked Feratu. He paused, swallowing, and added, “I’m sorry to hear of what happened. My guess is that I have no right to know.”

“Damn right you don’t,” Rayner growled. “But I’ll say right now that he would be spinnin’ in his grave if he saw how things’re goin’ with me right now. My life was _ruined_ ever since I lost him, and _you,_ ” he added to E.V.L. with a snarl, “are _not_ helping _at all._ ”

The mention of his partner had shut her up immediately, so all she could do was return the glare.

“So, what are we supposed to do?” asked Feratu. “Do we move in now, or…”

“Wait,” said Rayner. “Just give it a lil’ time. Another huge thing will be comin’ up pretty soon.”

“Let’s just use a portal already,” said Brenda, the mini-Balrog nodding in agreement. “I’m _bored!_ Again. Legendaries, the only interesting things to happen on this mission are the Sue losing control of her powers and our squabbling!”

“You’re telling me…” said E.V.L.

They portaled to near the end of the chapter, during which Legolas was teaching the Sue about Elven. He cited her name as being Elven for ice, which made E.V.L. pick her pointed ear.

“The Elven word for ice is Helcë, with a _c_ and a diaeresis,” she said. “And that name is in Quenya, which only Galadriel and possibly Celeborn and Círdan would understand in the Third Age. Thranduil is Sindarin, so he would’ve used _‘Heleg’_.”

“Or rather, he _should’ve_ ,” Rayner muttered under his breath. She ignored him.

“And now he’s teaching her more Quenya… ‘bain’ is indeed ‘beautiful’, ‘mel’ is ‘love’, and…”

She started trembling. Her shadow seemed to twitch, and the vines it fell upon suddenly began to wilt.

Legolas was now leaning in towards the Sue, his lips preparing to meet hers.

Before he could make contact, the chapter abruptly ended. The shift sent everyone piling on top of each other, with E.V.L. on the bottom this time.

“Get. Off. Me,” she snarled. “I want to destroy this Sue bit by bit—”

“Let the newbies do it, Glitter Girl,” said Rayner as everyone picked themselves up. “Neither of us would be able to do it cleanly now that Legolas is involved. I like him too, you know. Yes, in _that_ way.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that sooner?” said E.V.L., shaking her head.

“Why didn’t you tell us you liked boys?” Brenda added. “You looked pretty hot, at least to me.”

“You’re hot in a _different_ sense, being a Fire-type and all,” said Rayner, smiling grimly. “Still, if I’d told you earlier, I don’t think you’d have taken it well. Especially the fact that _Legolas_ is the guy in question.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” said Feratu, patting his shoulder. “I’m not going to speak ill of you for it. Same with you, E.V.L.”

Brenda looked disappointed, but didn’t say anything.

“Can we move on, please?” asked E.V.L. “I say ‘please’ not because I’m being polite, but because I _really_ don’t want to see the rest of this chapter.”

“Why?” asked Brenda.

“I just checked the Words. She’s going to have sex with Not!Thranduil. And I’m willing to bet all her clones will, too.”

“Oh _grebnacks_ , they _are_ getting explicit,” said Feratu.

“So, two people are lustin’ after her, one replaced and one Suefluenced,” Rayner noted. “Well, this is turnin’ out to be a _fine_ day.”

A drop of Sar-Plasm landed on a nearby vine.

“How soon will it be before her affair becomes known to His Majesty?” asked Brenda.

“Soon enough that things will go down the drain really quickly,” said Feratu. “You know what, I wonder if we can move in at the next part we stop in. This has been going on for far too long, and I’m getting pretty thirsty.”

“Can’t agree more!” said Brenda, taking out her ball and spinning it on her finger. “You guys said we’re gonna take care of the Sue, right?”

“Eeyup,” said Rayner. “And we’ll get Not!Thranduil.”

“But how will we take him out?” said E.V.L. “Knowing how he is in canon, we may be looking forward to a pretty nasty fight.”

Rayner paused, thinking, and then remembered something. “I’d rather skip that ugly business altogether,” he said, smiling. “I’ve got an idea.”

He whispered something in her ear, and she instantly stiffened, her eyes wide in horror. “You _wouldn’t,_ ” she said fiercely.

“I absolutely will. It’s only fair. But you’ll have to help—”

“ _No!_ You _know_ how much I hated that scene!”

“This is gonna need two people, I’m afraid. One to get the guy over there and one to sound the alarm.”

“But—”

“No buts, and no ifs or ands, either. Well, just one if, from me. I’ll try n’ get the Flowers to let ya free-roam throughout HQ for the rest of the weekend if you do everything I say from this moment on, _without question_. Got it?”

The agents could see her struggle with herself, fear warring with desire. Ultimately, she made her decision. “Fine. I will do it.”

“Okay, first, apologize to these two for harassing them.”

She glared at him, but then turned to the others. “I’m… sorry,” she said, at first sounding grudging, but then her voice softened a little. “I thought it would be fun to see how you’d react to my behavior. And it _was_ fun, but… All things considered, you two have a lot of potential.”

“Still doesn’t excuse you calling me Egghead all the time,” said Brenda, pouting.

“I’ve never judged you for wanting to read, but I just thought I’d get a kick out of teasing you. I’ll give you credit, you took it upon yourself to learn as much as you could about the canon, while your partner focused on the charges primarily. I hope that will be useful in a few minutes’ time.”

“As much as I’d hate to agree with her, she’s right,” said Feratu. “You’re the one with the canon knowledge, so I think it’s best that you read off the charges against her.”

“Right,” said Brenda. “But how do we take her and the replacement out?”

“Just leave it to me,” the vampire replied, thwacking his staff against his palm. “She won’t know what hit her.”

“All right, time’s up,” said Rayner, his eyes narrowing. “Let’s go.”

The agents stepped through the portal, emerging outside the Sue’s room again. Not!Thranduil was now confronting her, having received word that Legolas was in love with her.

There was a slap of his hand against her cheek, and she staggered back, terror racing through her. She pleaded that she wasn’t unfaithful, but he wouldn’t listen.

 **"I shall decide your punishment once I talk to my son** ,” Not!Thranduil growled. “ **You are to stay in this room under** —”

He stopped dead, his eyes rolling back into his head. And then he fell, revealing the dark-haired _ellon_ who’d whacked him on the back of the head with his staff.

She screamed and tried to fire ice at him, but a leathery ball struck her in the face, knocking her out cold. It rebounded across the room and soared out the door; a few moments later, at least a dozen more impact noises told the room at large that all of Helke’s clones had been taken out as well. The ball rolled back into the room, stopping at the feet of a blonde _elleth_ who’d just joined her partner.

“Wow, it really _does_ ricochet!” Brenda said with a grin, picking the ball up from the floor. “Alright, you guys, do what you want with Not!Thranduil. We’ve got this!”

Having followed the others into the room, Rayner nodded, first to her and then to his partner. The humanized pony opened a portal, and he and the ex-Ficubus dragged Not!Thranduil through.

“Well, I guess it’s just us and her,” said Feratu. “Or them, rather. Do we have enough charges?”

“Oh, yes, we _do,_ ” said Brenda. The vampire agent would swear he saw her hair begin to smolder.

“Go get ‘em, girl,” said Feratu, baring his fangs in a grin of anticipation. He walked over and bonked her in the stomach with the butt of his staff, causing her to wake up.

“Who are you” she cried, looking up at the two of them.

“All right, let’s cut to the chase here,” said Brenda, snorting twin puffs of smoke as she stepped forward to face the downed Sue. “Helke, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a Mary Sue on account of the following charges: Being a species which doesn’t even exist in Middle-earth; also being the last known member of said species; not having any consistency with the extent of your power; Suefluencing multiple canons; somehow crossing the entirety of the Misty Mountains in only a day; having SPaG that even a _horse_ would be ashamed of; creating a mini-Balrog as well as an army of clones of yourself with said poor SPaG; ripping off multiple Disney princesses in terms of appearance and behavior; having Speshul and uncanonical abilities specifically for the sake of wangst; outright replacing Thranduil; failing to respect the Middle-earth canon and its characters; and being a Speshul Snowflake in every sense of the term!”

“For your crimes, your punishment is death,” said Feratu. “Preferably by fire. You are a creature of ice and snow, after all.”

“But to burn this piece of Tauros-dung would be an insult to fires everywhere!” said Brenda. But then she smiled. “Except, of course, for one.”

“But how do we get rid of the clones?”

“Rayner said they seem to have a herd mentality. Let’s test that hypothesis, shall we?”

One of the clones walked in on them at that moment, rubbing her head. She screamed at the sight before her, and Feratu reacted instantly. He knocked her down with one blow of his staff, whisked her out of harm’s way, and immediately locked his teeth around her throat. Reaching blindly for his own RA, he tossed it to his partner.

Still grinning, she opened a portal. Smoke and heat seemed to billow out from it, making the Sue quiver in fear.

“I’d beg for you to have a nice fall, but we both know it won’t be,” said Brenda. “Ah well, have fun anyway!”

With that, she grabbed her by the back of her dress and hurled her through. She shrieked in terror as she plummeted towards the river of lava hundreds of feet below.

There was the sound of dozens of feet pounding the Generic Floor, and a moment later, all of the Sue’s clones poured into the room, hurtling through the portal after her. With the sole exception of the one that Feratu was feeding upon, every single one of them proceeded to dive into the fires of Mt. Doom, screaming all the way.

The drained corpse of the last Sue clone was tossed through after them once Feratu was done.

“Well, that’s the end of that,” he said, licking his lips. “Shall we get all the canons and bits to safety and call it a day?”

“Maybe,” said Brenda. “But remember, there’s still a whole lot of castle to burn!”

 

**********

 

Not!Thranduil’s eyes slowly opened. He tried to turn his head to see where he was, but he could only move it so far. He seemed to be stuck in a very small chamber, literally touching all of its walls. Only his head was exposed, and his face felt damp and cold. His surroundings were dark and musty, with strange white sheets of something he couldn’t identify stretched everywhere.

The sound of someone clearing his throat nearby alerted him, and he turned to see two elves standing on the ground below. Why was he suspended at a height several times taller than an elf?

“Greetin’s, Your Highness!” said the blond _ellon_ , bowing excessively in a gesture of mock respect. “We most insincerely apologize for your current circumstances. We may or may not have decided that we have a few… problems… with your behavior.”

“Problems? What problems? I am the king of mirkwood you listen to me!” he spat.

“Oh, a lot of them,” said the dark-haired _elleth_ , her voice trembling but clearly trying to sound calm. “Not!Thranduil, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a character replacement on account of the following charges: Replacing the canonical character of Thranduil; somehow creating a palace in the middle of Mirkwood, which is completely inconsistent with how the elves here live in canon, by the way; treating a person of a different race with immediate respect, which the real Thranduil would never even consider doing; falling in Twu Wuv with said person over the course of a few days; getting a male elk pregnant, somehow; establishing an uncanonical custom and fashion for your people; being careless enough with the Sue that she gets kidnapped right under your nose _—_ the only reason Bilbo and his dwarves escaped was because Thranduil couldn’t care less about them, and you’re in Twu Wuv with that _ficken_ iceling! _—_ and finally, burning my partner’s hand _and_ destroying our C-CAD at the same time.”

“For your crimes, your punishment is… well, I think you already have an idea of where this is going,” said the _ellon_ . “You know, there’s a reason the elves of Mirkwood live _underground_ and not in an applebuckin’ _palace_.”

“We do? Why?” asked Not!Thranduil.

There was a scuttling sound from somewhere nearby, and the _elleth_ shifted uncomfortably. “We have to go, _now,_ ” she said.

“You’ll find out for yourself shortly,” said the _ellon_ . “Don’t have a nice life, _Your Majesty!_ ”

After one last mock-bow, the elves stepped through a ring of blue light and vanished, leaving Not!Thranduil to his fate. He began thrashing around in his little cocoon, his voice echoing through the forest, as the scuttling noise drew closer.

“Wait! WAIT! COME BACK HERE AND UNHAND ME RIGHT NOW! I DEMAND TO SEE HELKE RIGHT THIS INSTANT! I AM THE KING OF MIRKWOOD AND I REFUSE TO BE TRE _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!_ ”

His shouting became a continuous scream as a piercing bite hit the back of his neck. Said scream trailed off into a gurgle, but his expression of terror remained etched upon his face. And there he hung, helpless in his silky prison, while the Spider of Unusual Size began to feed.

 

********************

 

**Post-Mission**

 

Rayner and E.V.L. stepped through the portal and back into RC #1260… just in time to find the whole place in ruins, with random things scattered and broken everywhere and even a few on fire. The other agents had already made it back; Feratu was trying to pry Batpaw off of his face, while Brenda, in her Rapidash form, was brandishing her horn threateningly at the mini-Bat-mite, who was trying to look as innocent as possible. Her mini-Balrog rode upon her back like a valiant knight.

“ _Scheiss_ ,” said Rayner. “We’ve been away too long.”

“It wasn’t my fault, I swear!” cried bane`s. “The cat did it! Right, cat?!”

“No, he didn’t, and he certainly wouldn’t,” replied Feratu.

“ _Suuure_ , blame the cat for everything,” Brenda added. “Like you’d be the kind to stay outta trouble!”

“I get the feeling that we are no longer wanted in this RC,” said E.V.L. “Not after you and I have had a disagreement.”

“Disagreement?! You nearly made us blow our cover multiple times!” Brenda rounded on her, pawing the ground. “Yeah, you apologized and all, but that doesn’t change anything!”

“The feeling is mutual, Egghead.”

“All things considered,” said Rayner, stepping in between them, “you two did an amazing job back there. Especially for a first-timer,” he added to Brenda.

She neighed joyously, tossing her flame-maned head, and replied, “Thanks! Who knew I’d love the Tolkienverse faster than I can gallop?”

“Just as badfic is full of surprises, so is life,” said Feratu. “Or unlife, as the case may be.”

“At any rate, we must both be going,” said E.V.L., flipping her hair once more. “My partner and I still have a C-CAD to repair.”

“Oh yeah, that!” said Rayner, slapping his forehead and wincing; he’d used the bandaged hand. “I totally forgot. Though it was ’bout time we got a new one, ‘cuz boy, that one was gettin’ rusty!”

“It was gathering dust for a few months. You should’ve known it wouldn’t be used to such strenuous activity after that long of a dormant period. At least you have the resolution to weather the same situation, Pony Boy.”

She turned to leave, but stopped, turning to the other female with a sharp-toothed grin. “Oh, and Brenda? I would highly recommend sticking to the books for your enjoyment of _The Hobbit._ Smaug’s character was treated _horribly_ in the second movie, and Thorin dies near the end of the third one.”

Having managed to get Batpaw off of his face, Feratu realized what she’d said, and wisely backed off.

Brenda reared up in alarm, kicking frantically with her front hooves and narrowly missing Rayner’s head. “ _Whaaaaat?!_ I didn’t get to that part!”

“ _E.V.L.!_ I said you could free-roam HQ, not ruin things for other people!” Rayner cried.

“Yeah, way to start off my weekend,” the Rapidash added, snorting a puff of smoke. “Thanks a lot, _Pickle Pants!_ ”

The ex-Ficubus winked at them, and then sauntered out of the RC, whistling the tune of “Blunt The Knives” all the way.

“Witch!” Rayner called after her, but his taunt fell on deaf ears. He shrugged, before turning to address the others. “Sorry if my partner caused you any trouble. Hopefully she won’t be like that in the future, because I get the feelin’ we’ll be seein’ a lot of each other in the days to come.”

“Yeah, me too,” said Brenda. “We’ll let you know if we need any help with continua we don’t know! Just not the Tolkienverse anymore, I’ve got that down pat.”

“I’ll see if I can get Salvo to get you more of the books, then, but you know how he is. Busy creeper, isn’t he?”

“Who’s Salvo?” asked Feratu. “And what’s a creeper?”

Rayner laughed, rubbing his temple. “Never mind. Well, I gotta go. I hope we can meet again on slightly better terms sometime, but for now, good luck with your career together! May Celestia guide your travels and Luna your dreams, you two.”

“Thanks, Pony Boy!” the other agents replied simultaneously.

Rayner facepalmed, but joined in their laughter anyway. And with one last wave of farewell, he stepped out of the RC as well, before heading off to join his partner and replace their C-CAD.

 

#  **[END]**

**Author's Note:**

>  __  
> A/N: For this mission, I wanted to try something a little different than my usual format. Some of my earlier missions have presented excerpts from the badfic as is, in separate paragraphs. A few fellow Boarders have noted that this may have gotten a tad out of hand at times, i.e. giant walls of badfic text that made the mission a bit harder to read. So I decided to see what would happen if I wrote a mission such that the badfic was  
>   
>  described  
>  __  
> , but quoted only minimally and within the text of the mission itself. I will probably return to segregating the excerpts from the mission text after this, but I’ll do what I can to keep them from overtaking the mission. Hopefully, this will help keep my missions cleaner and more engaging than having to look into bits of the badfic directly.  
>   
> 
> __  
> As for this particular badfic… Hoo boy. I’m a little rusty on Tolkien’s works, but even  
>   
>  I   
> __  
> know that this fic was a load of Tauros-dung from start to finish! An uncanonical species, especially a last-of-her-kind member of such a species, is  
>   
>  not  
>  __  
> something you can just stick in the middle of Middle-earth without a  
>   
>  lot   
> __  
> of research and general preparation. As with such instances in other continua, you need to explore how this species would fit in the world, what role it would serve in the major history, and how it would impact the setting. Icelings being personifications of winter seem more like something out of Narnia than the LotR/Hobbit series, and even if they were hunted to extinction, the presence of the species itself should’ve been given both more justification and further-reaching consequences. Helke as a character was bland, wangsty, and stupid as balls, and every single scene with her was just plain boring. Heck, the entire fic was boring! That’s also one of the reasons for not putting excerpts in separate paragraphs like I usually do, since they wouldn’t add to the mission at all and they certainly didn’t add to my reading experience.  
>   
> 
> __  
> Thranduil as a character was also horribly mangled, for all of the reasons which were discussed in the mission and more. The depiction of the Elven culture in the fic was more or less completely wrong, save for only one or two bits of partially proper Quenya and even then, the Mirkwood elves speak in Sindarin. Also, why would Thranduil build a palace for his kingdom when hiding underground was much safer? And why would Thranduil be careless enough that his love interest would go riding out into the woods alone at night, when monsters infested the woods up the wazoo? Really, Thranduil’s behavior in this fic was the polar opposite of his canon counterpart, who is proud but also really disrespectful to others, and certainly wouldn’t fall in love with a supposed human woman on the spot! I get that the fic itself could’ve been good with a little — no, a  
>   
>  lot   
> __  
> of revisions, but what I got made no sense whatsoever and I’m very disappointed.  
>   
> 
> __  
> Also, now you know where Brenda went! I did consider giving both her and Feratu away early on, but I decided to keep them because they pretty much had nowhere to go. So you may get to see more of these two in the future… assuming I get enough time for personal writing, that is!  
>   
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> __  
> —SkarmorySilver  
>   
>   
>  Rescued minis:
> 
>   * __The Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit_ (mini-Balrogs):_
> 

>     * mirkwood forest (adopted by SkarmorySilver)
> 



End file.
